Leading Congregations Through Conflict
By Dr. W. Craig Gilliam
‘If thine heart is as my heart,’ if thou lovest God and all of mankind (humankind), I ask no more: ‘Give me thine hand.’
--John Wesley
Key questions for those leading through conflict and
those in conflict transformation are:
What can be done to create and hold space powerful
enough to open and invite parities in conflict to new
ways of seeing, to considering a different story and
reconnecting with each other? How do we create
spaces that invite people to feel safe? How do we
help others to experience peace?
I was invited to a conversation of international mediators from
different contexts and organizations for a five day conversation on
what we are learning and what is going on in the world of
peacebuilding. We spent three of the five days discussing this topic
—how do we create and hold space powerful enough to invite
parties to a new way of seeing, hearing and connecting with each
other?
First, we all agreed that to create this space, I as the leader must
have done my own inner work. To offer and invite others to
peace, it helps if I, too, know and are coming from that place. I
must be in an I-Thou way for the parities, of course. This is the
foundation. All conflict starts with me. However, it is also only the
beginning. I must do everything I can to broaden and deepen and
grow that space, and to make it safe and inviting to the parties.
This is essential to transform conflict at its root level.
Second, when entering a group in conflict, I am asking who needs
to be at in the circle for the conversation to happen? Who has the
insight, maturity, wisdom, (both emotionally and spiritually) and
influence to help the people and the system move forward.
Before entering this space, I work to be connected to it in my own soul, for that is
where it begins. I strive to be connected to the person or people and their
humanity, while also being defined and connect to myself and my own
humanity. I work on my inner waters being still, so I can see and reflect
clearly, and invite others to that place of deep, still, peaceful waters. In systems
language, this is described as being self-differentiated. I remind myself to be me,
while staying in relationship to others, trusting others, myself and God to help us
find our way. This is part of being in a place of peace.
How do I/we know if we are in an open, I-Thou place of peace or a closed I-It
place? The clues for me are that when I am in a closed, I-It place, I
think of others as being at the center of the problems. I am seeing,
in Jesus’ language, “the spec in their eye without dealing with the
log in my own.”
When in this I-It place, I evaluate my relationships with others.
How are they seeing me? How are they treating me? How are they to blame?
Why are they doing this to me?
When in this counter-productive, closed I-It place, I also evaluate
the solutions to the problems I/we face in a similar way. I believe
that when they change, both their attitude and behavior, our
problems will begin to go away.
I expend my time and energy maintaining situations as they are,
correcting when things go wrong, watching for their behaviors so
that I can continue to blame them or passively sit by and wait for
them to change.
In contrast, when in an I-Thou place, a place of peace, I feel and
see differently. In that space I feel that things revolve __around
how I am seeing and treating others.
When I am in this I-Thou place, I still evaluate my relationships
with others, but the questions I am asking are different. When I
am in an I-Thou place, my questions are not centered on me in a
egotistic manner or victim mode, how they are seeing me? How I am
being mistreated? Rather, from an I-Thou place, I am looking in the
reflection of the still waters and asking, How am I seeing them? How
am I treating them? How am I helping create, reinforce or escalate this
situation?
In this open, I-Thou space, I evaluate the solutions to the problems
I/we face in a different way from the close, I-It place of conflict.
When I am in an I-Thou space, I believe that when I change, both
my/our attitudes and behaviors, our problems will begin to go
away, or at least change.
I throw myself into ending the conflict, helping things go right and,
after finding an I-Thou place myself, I actively invite others to find
an I-Thou way of the heart/soul/being.
Of course, it is more difficult than it sounds. But this is leading
through conflict, or at least the initial considerations. When
entering conflict, I am quick to do a self-inventory; then, if I am
not where I want to be, I accept it and work to get to the I-Thou
place. Other awarenesses that are important in helping lead
through conflict include: I build or re-build relationships both
with the individuals with whom I am in conflict and other people of
influence; I regain curiosity and begin to listen and learn; I
communicate in ways that inspire instead of degrade; I put down
judgment and become a fellow journeyer and human being; and I
become curious about others. If I have to correct, I do it for the
benefit of the person I am correcting, not for myself, and I do it in
a spirit of humility and compassion. I maintain a way of calmness,
responsiveness, caring and strength. I am a differentiated
presence.
When dealing with conflict in a local context of which I am
involved, the following are some questions I ask. I believe that one
of the most important questions is the way of my heart/soul toward
the people with whom I am working/ministering. When the way
of my/our hearts is right, it does not mean that there will not be
conflict, but the conflict and the people pushing it sound and look
differently, thus, our response(s) changes. Creative options
broaden and deepen. The questions I ask are:
· What are my motivations/intentions or the change(s) I am seeking?
· How have I contributed, reinforced or escalated the situation?
· How is my communication and teaching? How could I do it better?
· How could I learn more about this issue and person/group, their opinions, challenges, strengths, etc?
· What could I do to strengthen my relationship with this person/group(s)?
· How could I strengthen my relationship with others who have influence with this person/group(s)?
· How is my heart/soul toward this person, these people or this group/congregation? Am I in an open, I-Thou place or peace or am I in a close, I-It way of conflict toward them?
Agree or disagree, we invite you into the conversation.
______________________
Reflection
Heart/Soul Check for Conflict Intervention:
An assumption for working with conflict situations and stuck systems/congregations
The success of an intervention depends on the inner condition of the intervener. That's far more important than techniques or strategies for change."
--Bill O'Brien
If I will be of help to others in inviting them to give up the wars that rage within, it will not primarily be because of my knowledge, my education, my skills, my title, or my degree.
It will be because my words have moral authority--that is, the conviction and understanding that accompanies the person who is committed to living them and because my actions and presence feel authentic as a result. Jesus models this, as does some contemporary leaders such a M. Ghandi and Nelson Mandella.
I will invite peace in others only to the degree I am willing to press for it within myself.
Where in my life am I not "being the change I am asking for in others"? Where in my life am I in conflict or war within? Where in my life am I not at peace?
Heart/Soul Check for Conflict Intervention: