Some years ago, I worked for a medium-sized firm in the San Fernando Valley. A young couple, friends of one of the partners, had suffered a horrible loss. While on a family vacation in one of the National Parks, the mother watched one of their five children die before her eyes in a bizarre and gruesome way.
The loss took its toll upon the family relationship. I was asked to mediate their divorce.
I sat with them in our conference room. We did not talk about the death of the child; there would have been no purpose to reopening the wound. Instead, we talked about the mundane, day-to-day, operation of the family. I took financial information, and discussed the schedule of each of the family members, parents and children alike.
When I felt I had a good understanding of the family resources and calendars, I informed the couple, "Sorry, but you cannot afford to get divorced." It was true; with four children, there was not nearly enough money to operate two households.
The couple stared silently at me. I let the moment linger. Finally, the husband sighed, and asked me, "So, what do we do?"
This was not the question I expected, but one that I welcomed. "Well, you have some options. You can live "separately, together," in the same house and different rooms, like roommates. You can live with relatives. You can try living apart with greatly diminished lifestyles. Or, your can try making your relationship work."
Neither party said anything. I continued: "You have suffered a horrendous loss, one that would devastate anyone. You are both in mourning. According to your calendars, you don't spend any time together. My guess is that when you do brush shoulders in the hallway, you don't even lift your heads, or speak a word. Each of you is a ghost to the other."
"If you get divorced, you will not suffer less, but more. Along with the pain you now suffer, and will continue to suffer for a time, you will have the additional challenges of far less money, and the guilt of not being able to provide for your four children."
I encouraged them to examine their calendars. By the end of the session, we had devised a "visitation schedule," to make sure that the children did not get shortchanged, and two "date nights" per week. We finished with a sense of optimism.
A year or two later, I left the firm. At the time I left, they were still together.
I do not suggest that reconciliation is the right road for everyone, or even most people. But it is an option. Mediation is about examining every option, and finding the one that does the most good for the family.