What makes the perfect cafe?

by Mike Query of El Manifesto ( 16-Oct-2008 )

I spend a lot of time coffee shop hopping,  both out of curiosity and the need to complete my quest to find the perfect place to grab a cup of joe. Thing is, who really goes to a cafe just for the coffee? Honestly, most of the time I just buy a drink just so I can sit at a table without feeling guilty. In my experience, there are certain  elements that are necessary in order for a coffee shop to really deliver. Here is a list me and a couple friends compiled...the quintessential guide to finding the perfect cafe. And for the record...I've been to many a cafe, from both sides of the Bay, to the Mid West, to the East Coast...and I have yet to find a cafe that meets every criteria. So don't feel bad about judging harshly! 1. Music - Must be soft, preferably jazz or soulful electronica. Basically no oldies, reggae, banda, mariachi or pop music. A bad song can really mess things up for you, whatever your cafe activity of choice may be. Bob Marley while trying to write in your journal? No. (what audience is this trying to reach?)Fallout Boy when you're trying to study? Not so much. Bee Gees when you're trying to talk deep with someone? Negative. Metallica when you're on a date? ...well, depends who you're on a date with. 2. Seating - Plentiful and comfortable. Ratio of chairs to couches should be roughly 3:1. Tables and chairs should not be rocky or make you afraid to put weight on them in any way. 3. Internet Connection - Must have a FREE high-speed internet connection without limitations to usage. 4. Atmospheric - Either a theme (see: The Ritual, San Franciso), or a well thought out layout of tables, chairs/couches, pictures/decor, and paint scheme (should be earthy or dark but well lit). 5. Air Conditioning - Cool temperature is absolutely required. Or, warm if it's cold out. You get the idea. 6. Cell Phone Reception - Nothing is worse than getting all set up at your table with your drink, only to notice you are completely cut off from the outside world. Must have at least 2-3 bars at all times, no dropped calls, texts sent out immediately. 7. Variety of Coffee - Organic, Fair Trade, interesting house blend, a really intense light blend and a really mellow bold, and everything in between. A minimum of 4 different blends should be on display for consumption at all times.  (Coffee that is brought should support small farmers.) 8. Variety of Food - There should be a good selection of food (pastries, sandwiches, etc) without going overboard so much that it becomes a full-on restaurant.  These must be affordable and delicious.  Breakfast sandwich are a must, either on a bagel or an english muffin.  Other assorted snacks need to be available ranging from muffins to scones. 9. Non-Coffee Drink selection - There must be an assortment of other drinks, which needs to include juices, other mineral waters, and Izzies (grapefruit flavor should always be in stock. If they aren't a state of Emergency is to be declared.) 10. Employees - Friendly and sociable. Able to carry on a good conversation, but not too nosy when you need to really get down to work. 11. Hours of Operation - Open early, closed late. The serious cafe enthusiast needs a good place to call home base in the mornings, as well as a good date spot at 10pm. Extra points for being open late enough for late or all-night study sessions. A place of this caliber open 24/7 has yet to be opened. 12. Power Outlets - Absolutely required. The more spread out around the cafe, the better. The ability to charge laptops, phones, music players, etc keeps the patron around longer, and keeps them coming back. 13. Crowd Control - As amazing as a place with all the aforementioned qualities may be, it can't be too amazing...or else you will never have a spot to sit when you get there. Also, when the people who take the table next to you decide to talk about the last thing on earth you care to listen to, you need a place to move that doesn't compromise the atmosphere. Now overpopulation may not be something that one can necessarily control directly...this may require some creativity. For example, playing jazz to keep out the high school kids. It's really up to the barista's discretion. 14. Merchandise - The ideal cafe would have an interesting assortment of paraphernalia for purchase, be it a $1,400 espresso machine or a novelty Christmas mug. Glasses with the company's logo or trademark designs are assumed to be present; this is another area that requires some creativity to truly bring out the essence of the conglomerate coffee shop experience. 15. Payment method - Must accept all major credit cards as well as cash, because when you have to pay $2.50 plus your bank fees to pull out $20 for a $3.00 coffee, many good feelings are gone. 16. Open Mic Compatibility - When the winds change, and one notices an open mic is soon to present itself to the scores of the aspiring creative-types, a worthy cafe must be available to host such a gathering. The transition from cafe to open mic should be seamless; there shouldn't necessarily be a sectioned off area for open mic events. Such a blocking off of space is a waste of valuable real estate for coffee consumption and conversation. Rather, the open mic should take place in or outside the cafe, in such a way that it minimizes the inconvenience for the naysayers (although, it may be argued that these weirdos should be coerced into quitting their music and poetry hating ways).