Talking Sex With Teens

I was 8 years old when I first learned about HIV/AIDS that was 1985 when Ryan White was diagnosed and then became the national poster child for the disease. I remember my mother sitting down and talking to me about not touching anyone or any body fluids that they didn’t know how this disease was caught but a death sentence was certain. We’ve certainly learned a lot over the past 30 years! By the time my first classroom sex education came around in 5^th grade I was aware of STDs and I’d read Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret by Judy Blume, which gave me a pretty good understanding of the menstrual cycle and some pre-teen issues I was facing, like going to the store and having my mom pick out my first training bra. Sex education was gender specific until I was in 7^th grade. Then at that point, we were all brought into the school gym/cafeteria and had sex education that included how to use condoms, the importance of protecting yourself during sex, pregnancy, and STDs. And we didn’t just talk about condoms but were shown them and taught how to put them on properly. My sex education was a yearly experience from 5^th until 9^th grade sometimes taught by the teachers and at other times taught by an outside agency. If you’re in your mid to late 30s or early 40s this experience may sound quite familiar to you.

Until recently, I hadn’t thought much about this coming of age experience in sex education. I didn’t think it was good or bad, hadn’t really thought about how it may have contributed to some of my decisions to abstain from sex, to have sex, or how to have a conversation about the importance of condoms in my sex life with a potential partner. That was until the last couple of years when I began to hear the term “abstinence only sex education.” Sounds like an oxymoron to me and I think we’re learning that abstinence only sex education doesn’t work! As uncomfortable as it was for me to be part of a conversation about sex with my mom, dad, and grandmother, it was talked about regularly and, for the most part, age appropriately. In hindsight, I sincerely appreciate all the horrifying talks my family had about sex. Parents, I hope you’re tuned in because here come some facts about teenage sexual activity and tips on how to have the conversation about sex that goes beyond the birds and the bees talk.

Let’s look at some numbers up front:

• 10,000 teenagers per day contract an STD (http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-teens-and-stds)

• 1 in 3 teenager girls will become pregnant in their teens (http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-teen-pregnancy)

• 95% of Americans have sex before marriage (http://www.guttmacher.org/media/nr/2006/12/19/index.html)

I don’t know about you, but those numbers SCARED me! We teach our children about math, science, English, and history but we’re not teaching them about their own bodies. That doesn’t make sense to me. We have budding young adults who are biologically ready for sex, have raging hormones, with a not yet fully developed frontal lobe (responsible for motor function, problem solving, spontaneity, memory, language, initiation, judgment, impulse control, and social and sexual behavior). Why are teens having sex? Because everything about it seems to feel good and they’ve not been given the tools or education needed to navigate through the complexities of having an intimate relationship with someone other then: don’t do it, take a vow of abstinence, wear this ring, be pure, and on and on and on. Some teens have even reported taking a vow of abstinence out of feeling pressured by adults in their lives and that the vow meant nothing to them. Sadly, teens that have taken a vow of abstinence are less likely to use birth control and condoms then their peers that have had sex education (http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/teens-and-abstinence-whats-deal).

Tips to Talk Sex with Teens:

• Put ideology aside, when it comes right down to sex, this is a health issue. Morals and values are certainly a part of everyone’s sex life but focus on the facts of sex and incorporate personal morals and family values as part of the discussion, not the only part.

• Teach and model good communication skills: this will empower your teen to say no if he or she is being pressured and openly talk about and demand the use of a condom.

• Discuss the importance of intimacy and the relationship as part of the act of sexual activity.

• Use proper terminology.

• Acknowledge each individual’s sexual identity is unique to that person.

• Talk about all kinds of sex in a neutral and supportive way so as to address concerns of both heterosexual and homosexual relationships.

• Describe sex as beautiful, normal, fun, healthy, and something that will evolve.

• Connect regularly about sex but listen more than you talk.

• Accept that your teens experience with sex is their own and not yours.

• Request sex education be taught at your schools and in your church in an honest and affirming way for both teens and their parents.

• Be open and accepting to your teen so they know they can come to you about sex if they need to.

The conversation will undoubtedly be awkward for both parents and teens, but I encourage you to talk about sex so frequently with your children that the awkwardness diminishes! I know, that has to sound like an impossible challenge but if you’re not the one talking to your children about sex, they’re getting a sex education from peers, the internet, and pornography. We also know that the more information and education teens have about sex, they longer they tend to wait before entering into a sexual relationship. So what are you waiting for?